I was with a friend yesterday. We are great support for each other. We know what dreams each of us holds and have terrific ideas of how to help each of us achieve them. We started our session with a moment to look inside and ask ourselves how good we felt on a scale from 0-100, 0 being the lowest, 100 the highest. The number 90 came immediately into my mind. She answered first and when she said her number was 78, I noticed that I immediately started questioning myself. Was I being honest? Too positive? Denying how I "really" felt? These thoughts hit me in the head like a brick.
Because we are focusing on uplifting each other, and because she is a very good friend of mine, I was able to tell her what was going on in my mind. Fortunately she's a very wise and loving person and she said, "That's perfect!" With her words I was able to relax a little and get curious about what was going on for me.
There seems to be something in me that has told me that I can't be "better" than anyone else. That I have to make myself smaller so they can be bigger. I know this is a very old story and one that I don't want to keep on living. The good news is that at least I was aware of what was going on in my mind and then I can change those thoughts.
Twenty years ago I read Co-Dependent No More which is a great (and scary) book about how to stop controlling others and taking care of yourself. I needed that book then. I might need a refresher now. Back then I went to AA groups, SLAA groups and OE groups just to "support" other people. When I went to a CODA meeting (Codependents Anonymous) I flipped out. I knew I had some issues just like the ones talked about in this meeting but I was too scared and therefore unable to do anything about it at that time. Fortunately I found a great therapist who helped me navigate this territory.
Today I want to follow my own heart. To be true to myself in a loving way. Not to lower my vibration to match somebody else. In other words, to shine my light wherever and whenever I can so that others may be able to find their way easier.
I know it's a journey and that it's not a linear one. I also know that it's one I am committed to changing.